You remember how I promised to write about my sister’s journey with depression throughout the month of October?
No? Okay good that’s better. The truth is, in light of a course unit called civil procedure among other lame excuses that sound very valid in my head, I have not been writing for what feels like a decade.
Six months ago, the only thing I knew about depression, was whatever I heard in movies or read in passing. It always came off a little too foreign to come close.
6 months ago I sat in a doctor’s office and heard him say my sister was depressed. I must admit it didn’t sound that serious coming from him.
I figured whatever he would prescribe would fix the problem and we could all go back to our lives and forget.
I watched a seemingly fancy illness become life threatening . I wish my sister could write about it, I really do because as difficult as this has been on me I will never fully understand what exactly she was going through.
At some point the doctor said, she is the only person that can help us help her.
I had days when I was really mad at everyone. The doctors for not giving me straight answers, myself for not being able to help her, God because He felt far away, friends and family for asking questions non of us had answers to and everything else.
On most days I walked around like a tear volcano awaiting my day of eruption. It was helplessness, the lonely kind despite how much awesome help we had.
The tear volcano threatens to erupt even now 6 months later when we are experiencing our brightest days.
Forget what they say about smiling through the storm, I reached a point where the only thing I could do with my set of teeth was grit them with frustration.
However all my indescribable feelings about the situation aside, there was a way I learned to completely rely on Jesus through this whirlwind of emotions.
I read up alot on depression, during the time, mostly horror stories to remind myself that my sister wasn’t as badly off as most people or just to be aware until, I realized I was just perpetrating worry in a situation that had that already covered, so I turned to the only person I know fixes things -Jesus.
You see, there is a lot of medical assistance for depression and I am grateful for it.
I also know first hand that there is a place where that stops.
That sleeping pills- the dose, the overdose, the strongest or a combination of all of them do not exactly guarantee that a person will sleep.
Anxiety medicine doesn’t exactly guarantee calmness neither does the advice of a nutritionist unlock flood gates of appetite just as much as counselling doesn’t magically make you feel less crappy.
At some point you have to rely on power that is not naturally coined and Jesus is very good at his job
Depression doesn’t mean that God loves you any less or that some where down the line your ancestors screwed up and so you are carrying a generational curse.
It’s just another thing that God’s grace is sufficient to cover. Another place to experience His perfect love despite the far from perfect situation.
It’s just another thing that has not gone your way or according to plan but the good news is that there is still hope in the promise of the cross.
It’s another of those moments that will teach you to appreciate the little things, like sleep or the ability to sit still.
Most importantly, depression is a name, and like all other names it eventually succumbs to the name of Jesus.
And yes some days are definitely better than others.
Happy New Month.