I get all over the place moments. I don’t know if that happens to a lot of writers but then again that’s the first time Iam calling myself a writer so I may be in over my head.
Precisely I have moved mountains trying to figure out what exactly to write about. I had this crazy idea that I need to streamline my “blogscapeds” to focus on a particular area & then I realized I don’t want to limit myself,, God knows am not a box kind of girl. Life is too interesting to only keep me in one lane of writing. So I surprise myself to be treading in cupid territory for this episode of my rants.
There is a group of my friends who attain some sort of comic relief from the fact that in all my twenty ( not so many) years I have not claimed a gentleman to be my own. There ever so amazing psychoanalytical skills led them to conclude that the reasons I seem to have a restraining order against dating range from me being a tad bit too honest to being too picky.
Having spent a not small amount of time on campus I have even had theories like if Iam not clung to a specific gentleman by the time my graduation cap hits my head, there is a good chance I will die a single old lady with lots of cats. ( I hate cats for the record)
So ladies and gentlemen here is my take on dating or you could call it my version of talking about boys.
1. It’s not a game
My sister Patie told me once that there is no such thing as dating for fun. Not that it shouldn’t be fun, but that “the merry go round” part of it is not the ultimate goal. We are not created to go into relationships because it sounds like weekend plot is sorted.
Unlike your favorite pass time or sport there is no medical fix for when a fun dating game ends with your heart broken. Clearly I can’t back up my assertion with experience but I have had friends who have played the ” let’s date for fun” game and it wasn’t pretty but then again what do I know.
2.There is no formula.
Forget the math class that I dreaded and the chemistry class practicals. Also get amnesia for best seller books, “10 steps to get him/her to fall for you” magazine articles and TV shows that pride themselves in giving the best dating advice because they host celebrity match makers, nothing can ever truly prepare you for the real deal. I think everyone’s experience is specially tailor made for them.
You may tune yourself to be in the most ‘deliverable state’, follow the 10, 12 or 50 steps and it will still not be a sufficient heads-up for you.
Writer’s of books are selling their experience, TV shows are seeking ad sales and magazines are printing what can win ‘article of the year”. So Iam sorry your going to have to live your own story, write it down & If your lucky someone will buy it.
3. Experience is not the best teacher neither does practice make perfect.
Dating is neither a skill nor a science lab experiment that requires you to deduce results. There are no random chemicals to mix up till you achieve a particular color. (My teachers of biology & chemistry must be super proud of me right now).
Anyway it involves real people with real feelings, irreplaceable time & coins so you can’t get better at it just because you keep switching mates. What you leave behind when you play the skipping from one person to another game is a trail of bitterness, tonnes of resentment & a queue of pissed off enough people to want you dead…
Oh and that pile of nasty has a way of flying itself first class from your past to your future relationships.
I think the politically correct term for it is ” baggage”…( An entire TV show is named after it.)
4. Its not about body parts.
This line is borrowed from one of my favorite pastors & emphasized by my sister Dear.
The whole arbs, boobs, lips, hips e.t.c is just one big fuss. When it comes down to it, who your dating is more about the person’s character and less about how broad their shoulders seem in a tight shirt, how sharp their nose is, how Angelina Jolie like their lips are ( I will never understand what’s up with that), their height, weight or this random thing called figure.
Before I set off some serious eye- rolling, there is nothing wrong with having your physical preference, Iam just saying that its secondary to the cause. ( I just called dating a cause & that is not weird at all).
The body parts are susceptible to change but who the person is on the inside is the ultimate prize or not.
5.It’s a process.
Process means it evolves, grows and gets to a particular place. Anyone who unlike me gave biology class priority, sure remembers a thing or two about metamorphosis. So you may need to put a pause on the baby talk/ shopping on your first date or on the directions to your favorite bridal shop.
I definitely don’t believe in love at first sight because let nobody fool you that you can love someone you don’t know. I met an interesting guy once who within the first two minutes of our meeting was convinced his mum would love me and funny story he didn’t even know my name yet.
Notwithstanding what I said about there being no formula, the whole relationship thing requires time.
Time to allow yourself to know yourself better and whoever your dating.
To fathom their very being from their strengths, to their weaknesses, to their values and beliefs, to the company they keep, to their family, then their hopes and dreams and maybe then you can honestly say you love the person.
Otherwise you may find out too late that when you said to someone, ” I love you”, what you actually meant was that you love particular things about them.
6. Two can’t walk together unless they agree. Amos 3:3
One of my favorite songs is Abel Chungu’s “Say hello to the bad guy”.
There is a line that says “Throw me in your furnace fire, hang me to that cross but you still won’t make me bow….I will not conform”.
The guy is saying nothing is going to change his mind about certain things so let me go ahead and state that Christians have no business dating non-christians.
Its not like we don’t love the brothers and sisters that don’t exactly subscribe to the gospel of Christ, its that two can’t walk together unless they agree especially on their values.
The most important relationship anyone will ever have is the one with God and there is no justification for it to ever take a back seat so we can pursue anything. The truth is a relationship with a dear non christian breeds compromise. Slowly tiny pieces of the God-life chip away and are replaced by a bubble masquerading as love and its never worth it.